Spiritual confusion – a blessed state
Since a few days back i find myself in a sort of no-mans-land. I am not who I used to be, but the new version of me has not yet emerged. As much turbulence, unease and fitfulness as this brings; it is a blessed state. It is called spiritual confusion.
A period of integration
These last couple of months I have had some tremendous insights as to who I am and why I am.
It began with a deepened realization that God is the source of all my supply. That the world is not the source of anything, but that merely the vehicle through which the good of God flows.
That insight was followed by a deepened clarification of who I am. All of a sudden I could see myself from a higher perspective than ever before.
I realized on a deeper level that I am an instrument of God and that all I ever need is to place my life and my will into the loving hands of God. Sort of me getting out of the way for God to have its will with me.
After that insight came a deepened awareness of how I am to move in the world.
Usually when I catch these insights and revelations, I am lifted into a higher vibration for a few days. A soaring that is followed by a period of a disharmonious intergration of the new and expanded.
This perdiod of integration usually is referred to as spiritual confusion. The ego has temporarily gone blind and so it loses its sense of direction.
Usually though, even during these periods of integration – I retain my vision and there remains a level of joy, and peace, and harmony.
Not so this time.
I was (remain) spiritually confused
This time, I found myself in a sort of void where the vision that used to be so clear to me (even when it seemed to be distant and vague) dissolved. I had no idea of who I was or how I was to move.
All the things that used to be important to me, no longer mattered. As I prayed, all I could pray for was for God to have its will with me. All I could pray for was to be used by God for the Greater Good of all.
I had no vision, no nothing other than my intention and my mission. The spiritual confusion was all there was.
For a long time the momentum I have grown so used to, was gone. I could not bring myself to move in any direction. I felt totally inert and passive. In utter disharmony.
Then about a week ago, something began to emerge. The confusion began to dissolve and a clarification of how I am to serve and be of service began to come forth.
The state of confusion as to who I am and how to carry out my mission began to dissolve. To dissipate.
Clarity and momentum began to flow through me once again. The path before me became discernable again – at least gradually and partially.
Still, that which seemed important to me before, no longer feels as important. Still, the vision that used to be so clear and alive to me, is no longer there.
But something is emerging. Something new and expanded. A new version of me is being born.
I am neither here nor there
In this period of rebirth, however, the new that is emerging appears to not be an extension of that which is dying. But rather that which is emerging seems to be something totally new.
Sort of like the caterpillar turning into a butterfly. The butterfly is something totally different from the caterpillar.
A total transformation has taken place.
I know this is not truly so for me, as I still look the same and many things in my life will not change because of this.
But the new that is emerging is not something I recognize from who I used to be.
It is like I am smack in the middle of something. I am not the old version of who I used to be. Nor am I the new version yet either.
It is like a no-mans-land. Hence the confusion – the spiritual confusion.
The trajectory of my life has shifted
Yet, on the surface not much has changed. I still get to stand in the service of God for the Greater Good of all. I still get to move, touch, inspire and empower individuals every day.
That remains the same. But within, something has shifted that will take my life in a new direction.
And so I know that in time, that which is on the surface will shift and change in alignment to the shift and the change.
Vibration is cause, manifestation is effect. Always. Consciousness always precedes form, never the other way around.
And so, for all the confusion I am experiencing – I know that it is good in progress.
I suppose this is why the spiritual path is likened to an adventure. In times like this, when out of the blue, I catch an insight that changes my life forever – it can’t be predicted.
Nor do I know where I am headed now. All I know is that I hold true to my intention to be of service and to my desire to move, touch, inspire, and empower others to grow and unfold in Love & Light.
That is pretty much all I know at this point.
In other words the confusion is still here. Yet, underneath the confusion there is a level of clarity.
Spiritual confusion is truly a blessing
Underneath the confusion I am still aware of what the confusion is all about. That it is a beautiful sign of growth, of transformation.
The old and familiar is dying, the new and unknown is emerging. In a sense I (or my ego) have gone temporarily blind. This is the reason for the confusion I am experiencing.
I know that everything is working for my good. I know that I am on a path of growth, unfolding, and expansion where these periods of confusion and integration occur from time to time.
They are not to be taken as a sign that something is wrong, but as a sign that something is right.
Just like any and all of my challenges are gifts and blessings of transformation. They are steppingstones by which I get to move to higher and higher levels of consciousness and awareness.
Embracing and allowing is the key to transformation
The key to grow through these dark moments and periods is to embrace and allow them to be as it is.
In other words, I need to release and let go of any resistance I have toward this experience. Resisting anything only serves to amplify and perpetuate it while allowing and embracing it allows it to be transmuted and dissolved.
And so, in this moment I choose to embrace this confusion, fully knowing that it is good in progress.
Thank you God, for this beautiful adventure I am on.